“My computer crashed, and I lost all the photos I took this summer. I’m literally devastated.”
Relax, all the good ones made it to Facebook, dear.
Byrdie
What she doesn't enjoy is her seemingly chronic flatulence.
“There’s this elderly woman who takes her Mastiff to the park at the same time I take my Pyrenees, Guster. We’ve become friends, and I do enjoy her stories—especially the funny ones. What I do not enjoy, though, is her seemingly chronic flatulence. Should I say something?”
Obviously, you haven’t had children, dear. Whenever I giggle or sneeze, I pee a little, and a real laugh-riot will push air out of more places than just my nose and mouth. As long as the odor doesn’t make you gag, laugh it off, and let her break wind in peace.
Byrdie
His grandmother is turning 60.
“My grandmother’s birthday is on Friday. What do I get a 60 year old?”
A cemetery plot, dear.
Byrdie
Cheese pizza is fine most nights.
“I’m ready to propose to my girlfriend. Is it better to keep it simple or go all out?”
Cheese pizza is fine most nights, but this is a special occasion; spring for 3-4 toppings and a side of garlic knots.
Byrdie
Bad grammar makes otherwise smart people look dumb.
“Between you and I, bad grammar makes otherwise smart people look dumb. When is it okay to correct another person’s grammar?”
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, dear. Even smart people make errors, but that’s between you and me.
Byrdie
Three times the distance between a man's eyes?
“A girlfriend of mine recently told me that the size of a man’s penis is the equivalent of three times the distance between his eyes. Is this true?”
Don’t be foolish, dear. If this were true, those men who make their living in the porn industry would resemble goldfish.
Byrdie
He thinks having more than one child is irresponsible.
“My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and we’ve only just begun talking about children (a conversation I wish we’d had earlier). I would like two children (at least), but my husband says it would be irresponsible of us to bring more than one child into this world (because he thinks the apocalypse is close at hand). What can I say that’ll change his mind?”
Tell your husband this, dear: if the apocalypse really is close at hand, that’s all the more reason for you to have two children, just in case one dies.
Byrdie